Remove from denial to get out alive until the end.
How are you today? Surely few months that I ride on your wonderful site, a haven of peace accomplice of my internal wars, thank you. Today, I drives me a fresh energy and draws map of my journey with my lung cancer.
In autumn 2006, I received the visit of NSCLC, embarrassed at first, a small, concealed his small nodule stage III with metastases to the mediastinum. December 22, was removed and the lobe reaches its neighboring nodes. Still under the shock of diagnosis, confused, I started chemo (Cisplatin and Vinorelbine) called aggressive (the word is sweet) whose effects led to discontinuation of treatment because of high toxicity. I felt guilty! Was it a failure? And it is the remission. Six months later, I covered them in good shape and went back on the job market, both by necessity and passion for the business, which relies on the passing of time leaving once again in their boxes, notebooks, pens and brushes, stifled my dreams! In February 2009, at the edge of my 57 years that cancer is waking up, like a volcano splashing its embers both my lungs and mediastinum, stage IV. I wanted treatment in January 2010 when I finally recognized that the disease was real and that a refusal of treatment meant for me to abandon the fight of my life, suicide spiritual. Palliative chemotherapy (carboplatin and gemcitabine). After five months of treatment rather painful déjà vu, the disease sleep better return in force for less than two months later. I'm worried, but I continue. I'm on my second palliative chemotherapy (Taxotere), an attempt to slow the progression of the disease, I am trying to rekindle my creativity. Click! I feel such joy, yes, I feel alive again. Thank you, Denis. I'm sending all my good feelings.
is what I wrote last October. Since then, a transition to scan showed new metastases and lung damage. A final meeting with my oncologist and my nurse to the pivot point, confirm the decision of Taxotere become ineffective and announce the end of treatment in any form whatsoever. No more chemo, I proceeded to the stage of palliative care. Three to six months the doctor said. Now, we manage the pain, food and everything that will help me live better with cancer at home. My optimism turned into a stupor. I knew I was heading toward some kind of purpose. I had seen any new symptoms, dabbled new bumps and felt the pain intensify. The facts do not lie. Yet speak Is there no unexplained healings? the power of self-healing? My hopes seem endless, but my faith is weak against the unknown that is death. Life goes on and death does mark the end, probably ...
It is a matter of time. I am a master at breaking actions. I excel in all kinds and the delay in putting off until tomorrow. And today, the time I press more than ever. I compose with time as the child who does not sleep at night. I feel the urgency to act and turning around like a top. The present moment. The sacred moment remains the only way to face this tough opponent is time.
The days are long. The days go so fast. I hang. I hang all that easy to me out of time to get comfortable ... passenger, a forgotten reality. And I landed painfully, alone and lost. So I cling to the present moment, I practice detachment and compassion, I adapt and I feel better. I enjoy this new phase of my life, free treatment. Freed also the feeling of having been abandoned after four years of monitoring in oncology. The cancer was just one stage to live. Now, I open myself to the warm welcome of the team of palliative home care and support of my precious son, my little sister and my friends. I learn to receive love and generosity of my relatives.
SC
To be continued ...
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